SHE GOES TO THE CLUB

This comedy piece is making its debut here on the SEB with an entry titled "She Goes To The Club", originally written and published for WARD9ice Entertainment Magazine. For your relaxation and fun we shall occasionally publish some theatrical pieces from the Ward9ice stable right here on the SEB. For now, laugh off the moment but please, don't crack your ribs with this one.

SHE GOES TO THE CLUB

Synopsis

  IMA goes to the club without her father’s consent. But while her absence sparks up a row with her parents she breezes into the living-room in an attempt to avoid police arrest over an auto accident involving her car and that of PATRICK, a stranger. But then her mother feigns a birthday to the fancy of all aggrieved persons on the accident case…just then also, the family dog is reported dead among other sudden strange developments in the house. Consequently, both Patrick and the Police Sergent carefully exit the house in pity of the family. Soon afterwards, Essien’s entire household begin to laugh in victory and suddenly, ESSIEN appears with a horse whip to punish Ima for ever visiting the night club without his approval. 

                                                                                                                                                                    

FADE IN:

INT            ESSIEN’S LIVINGROOM                   DAY

While  silence wraps up the room,  EKA IMA remains on a sofa, darning a dress, ESSIEN on a separate sofa, reading through a news daily; both in spectacles.

ESSIEN: (keeping his face to the paper) Eka Ima, where is your daughter?

EKA IMA: (correcting the impression) Our daughter, you mean?

He pauses, looks up at her with raised eyebrow.

ESSIEN: (returning to the paper) Very well then… so, where is she?

EKA IMA: The night club.

ESSIEN: (shrieks in amazement) The night club?

EKA IMA: Of course, to the night club. What’s wrong with that? (he gapes at her, paces about the room)

ESSIEN: (solemnly; akimbo) Since when did your daughter start visiting that dancing and drinking market…that acting joint…that rotten and …?

EKA IMA: She’s eighteen, Essien. Besides, are you forgetting what you always say about teenagers?

ESSIEN: (coldly) What?

EKA IMA: (recites) At eighteen, teenagers should be allowed to drive at 180km per hour…they are free to    choose their own religion…they may marry with the permission of their friends …

ESSIEN: Shut up! (she continues)

EKA IMA: …they may smoke and frequent bars and clubs and rock until dawn…

ESSIEN: (charging) Shut up! (she persists)

EKA IMA: …They may snatch anybody’s lover if they  -

ESSIEN: (erupts) Shut the hell up!!! (Absolute silence while they stare wittily at each other) Anyway, I won’t deny making such interesting recommendations. But for God’s sake, not for m y only child. The night club is a different world on its own – speaks filth…drug…sex…exhortation –you see, robbery and even murder! These are - God! To think our only child would associate in a world like that – Hmn… (moves his head in disappointment).

EKA IMA: Don’t forget that there are night clubs and there are night clubs. Besides, our daughter only left for one this afternoon, and not in the night.

ESSIEN: Which is a night club?

EKA IMA: But in the day. You know, Day –night club… that sort of thing…

ESSIEN: What does it matter? Morning or afternoon, woman, a night club is a night club!

EKA IMA: Essien, there’s still a difference.

ESSIEN: Well, not for an eighteen year old of my house hold!

Starting for his seat, enter IMA, from the front door, bumps into him; he goes down with all fours.

EKA IMA: (dashing towards him in consolation) Abasi nmi!

IMA: (frightened; bemused) Sorry, Daddy…

ESSIEN: My dear girl, before you send me to the grave just know that I’m yet to write my will.

IMA: I’m sorry, Daddy. But he kissed me! … (parents gape at each other in amazement)

EKA IMA: (moves closer; curiously) Ima, are you alright?

IMA: Yes, mum…But he kissed me!… (PATRICK bursts in from outside in bated breath, Ima quickly takes refuge behind her mother) Mummy – Daddy! That’s him…he kissed me…He caused it…

PATRICK: (to Ima, with bated breath) So- this-is where yo- you -you’ve come to hide –eh? (starts for her)

Suddenly, Essien stands positioned, recites some lines of the National Anthem –everyone responds with rapt attention; Patrick gradually doing so and heated up.

ESSIEN: (loosing memory of the end verse) Very, well… Now, that’s the spirit…always respect your national anthem – even when it’s not sung to the end. (to Patrick; sternly) Did you stumble on a mad bull, springing into my house like that? Besides, why did you kiss my daughter when she told you not to?

PATRICK: Me!... kissed your daughter…Look she caused it! She made me do it!

ESSIEN: My young Man, how old are you and what is your name?

PATRICK: Twenty eight, Sir. My name is Patrick. Look she must pay for damages.

ESSIEN: Really? (inspecting him) Patricks are always kissing, young man. You remember Patrick Wellford in ‘Many Wives of Patrick’?

PATRICK: (excitedly) Yea-yea! Many wives of Patrick; a wonderful British Television Comedy Series… oh! How I love that show – kiss anything in skirt…( makes the sound of a kiss, again and again…) No resistance, No tension – just goes … (again, the kissing sound) Everywhere…(repeats the kissing sound and again) oh, how I long for – (suddenly puts himself in order)

ESSIEN: Welcome back. So you see, you’re a confirmation yourself. Patricks are always kissing. (threatening with clinched fists) so you kissed my daughter … (Patrick, backing away) my second gold, you almost stole her, and at your age you don’t know who is to pay for damages, eh?.....

PATRICK: B-bu-but it was all a mistake, sir… I – it wasn’t intentional…

Enter SERGENT FELIX TOMORI, from the front door, dressed in uniform, immediately spots Ima.

FELIX: So this is where you have come to hide, abi? Now! Move! You’re under arrest! (Ima dashes behind her Dad)

IMA: Oh, Daddy, help me! I haven’t done anything to break the law… please help me Daddy, I don’t wan’t to go to jail!...please, Daddy…

Suddenly Essien assumes an authoritative, quasi military manner. Ahems…

ESSIEN: (to Felix) Now, identify yourself officer!

FELIX: (showing ID) I’m Sergent Felix Tomori

ESSIEN: Sergent Felix Tomori, can you now tell me why you should not be charged for entering into my house without a knock and permission?

FELIX: Security reasons, Sir… entering otherwise could hinder police investigation, Sir.

ESSIEN: Sergent, what is your mission here?

FELIX: To effect an immediate arrest of that lady, behind your back.

ESSIEN: (surprised) To arrest my own daughter?... On what charge?

FELIX: Traffic obstruction, presumably materialized after a head-on collision with another car just down the street.

Suddenly, Essien and Wife gape at each other, then together at Ima.

PATRICK: And that other car is mine. Look officer, arrest her! She must pay for damages on my car.

ESSIEN: So, Ima, you had an accident… and you call that a kiss?

IMA: Yes, Dad... b-bu-but (pointing at Patrick) …he caused it!...

While her mother moves over to console her, carefully examining her body -

ESSIEN: Please, Sergent, let’s not make this the station’s business. (confidently) We can settle everything amicably here, you know. (walking Felix to a corner in the room)  You see, I’m a business man…

He dishes out some currency notes to him, about to pocket it Patrick who’s been observing silently, ahems nosily and he quickly thrust the notes at Essien – who quickly collects and pockets it.

FELIX: (yells)So you want to bribe me?

IMA: Oh, Daddy! That’s very unholy!

EKA IMA: May God forgive you, honey!

ESSIEN: Oh shaaaaaarap, everyone!

PATRICK: Bribery is an offence before the law.  Arrest him, Officer!

FELIX: (to Patrick) Shut up! You don’t teach me my job. Understood? (to Essien) Sorry sir, but you’re also under arrest for attempting bribery! Now, let’s –

ESSIEN: (seeing the odds against him, changes the subject) Hey, officer, have you ever heard the story?

FELIX:(all business) What story?

ESSIEN: About the chairman who sat in the conference room for hours during a crucial board meeting with a big boil on his bum? (they laugh) Okay, how about this one?

FELIX: Look here, sir, I don’t have time to waste. I’m on duty and you all are under arrest!

EKA IMA: Except me!

PATRICK: Me too, Sergent!

ESSIEN: When I was a little boy, my mum once told me about a pilot who before maneuvering his plane for a take-off, spent some time to address his passengers. He said “Good-morning ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls…welcome on board. My name is Captain Danladi Stanley, and I’m your pilot. We intend to have precisely; a two hour flight and you can count on this plane for efficiency, excellent service, safety and comfort. So why don’t you tighten your seat belts and let’s have a memorable trip”. You know what?

ALL: (curiously) What?

ESSIEN: He swept up the phone as soon as he had replaced it and said “Attention ladies and gentlemen, this is the Captain speaking. I’ve just been informed that there is a time bomb on this plane”. (all laugh)

FELIX: (ahems) Thank you for your tortoise story, sir. Now,  shall we face reality and move to the station?

Enter MAID, from the inner-room, carrying a beautifully designed cake.

EKA IMA:(blares) Why must you bring that cake in here like that? (Suddenly, like an after-thought, whispers words into her ears; then humbly-) Have you bought the drinks?

MAID: Yes, madam.

EKA IMA: Good. Take the cake back into the kitchen and keep every other thing there too. (while she does so -) Please, lady and gentlemen, today is my birthday (blinks an eye at Essien who’s a bit confused over her declaration) Can we kindly for my love, just put away all our grievances and  - I mean, there’s a lot to eat, drink and -

IMA: (getting the message) And Take- Away, of course.  Isn’t it so, mummy? (Eka Ima, starting for the kitchen, nods anxiously in agreement,  Ima blinks eye at Patrick, staring at him sheeply  -)

ESSIEN: Yes, em..you see we wanted it quiet. I mean, just the family – very wise, isn’t it? (bestows a kiss on Eka Ima) Happy birthday, my Darling.

EKA IMA: Thank you, my Dear Husband.

Felix and Patrick stare at each other as if trying to get permission to partake in the celebration, while they do so, Ima sluts in a hip hop musical, does a seductive dance movement into the kitchen; the visitors shrug at each other, take their seats.  While the music completely wraps up the scene, Essien consecutively, chats with the visitors in a manner of absolute bliss, Eka Ima returns from the kitchen and follows suit, she’s soon followed by Ima who prefers to chat more with Patrick.

Still, in the midst of this seemingly paradise Maid, returns with glasses of drinks, serves everyone, returns into the kitchen. Again she returns in fear, the moment everyone takes a toast and cheers (clinking glasses) with the supposed Celebrant, Ima puts off the music.

MAID: Sir! Madam! The dog is dead!...

ESSIEN/EKA IMA/IMA: Billy, dead?!

MAID: Yes, I served him some pieces of meat and after eatin g it… it just stopped breathing… (everyone gapes)

Suddenly, Essien drops his drink, quickly feigns sickness, slumps on the floor; while others remain dumbfounded, Ima and mother carry him into the inner room, followed by Maid, sobbing gently, the visitors drop their glasses with contents on the table.

FELIX: (to Patrick) What’s happening here? First it was the dog.. now , it’s the owner. And may be …(examining himself) God, please someone, save me … Are we all going to die? I mean, am I alive?

PATRICK: God, am I scared…

Enter Ima, cofidently.

IMA: Gentlemen, we are indeed very sorry for the sudden unpleasant developments; it was due to an accidental spillage of iodine solution on the foods which is about now been disposed off. Oh! What a waste, you would say. Yes, but we thank God that Daddy will be fine again soon. However, the party continues as promised…except that mummy has to go and borrow more money to buy foodstuffs, etcetera.

FELIX: I see. But please, just go and remove your car from the street. And you too, my gentleman.(starts away)

IMA: But Sergent, please wait…don’t go yet. Mummy will -

FELIX: Yes, I know - food and other things will soon be ready. But thank you. (exit)

IMA:(sheep eyes):You’re not leaving too, Patrick, are you?

PATRICK: No. I mean – yes. But – em – (seals his lips with her finger with a sign of love)

IMA: You don’t have to, my dear. (slightly caressing him) Do you think we can have a relationship?

PATRICK: Of-course. But –

IMA: No, “But”. We can. I can feel it…see it…and –

PATRICK: But why the hurry?

IMA: I’m a very practical person. I don’t waste time when there is a job to be done…especially, this kind of job…(trying to caress him)

PATRICK: Alright. I’m sure I understand you, dear. I’m an expert in this kind of job too. I love you. (gives her a peck)

IMA: Oh, this day,  I hereby accept you as my fiancé (does a little dance) God! Before now I didn’t know I could ever fall in love  again.

Essien and wife eavesdrop from the inner-room door unnoticed.

PATRICK: How do you mean?

IMA: You see, I’m a very naughty girl.

PATRICK: That’s everybody’s disease. I think I’m naughtier than anyone else is.

IMA: I see. But then, that’s not all. I mean, I’m also barren … or should I say I’m almost convinced I’m.

While she would continue speaking, Patrick, out of fear, would gradually, gently, quietly, retreat into exit.

PATRICK: Interesting…

IMA: But the worst problem of mine is that I’m possessed; all my ex-lovers died mysteriously…several times I have sleep walked – just too many problems…which church have I not been to…which priest have I not talked with…what oracle have I not consulted, and in the course of that, what human sacrifice have I not given? Man- woman, even babies… (suddenly,  notices Patrick’s absence)

Now her parents and Maid dash into the room in laughter, she joins in the fun. Enter CUSTOMER

CUSTOMER: Having a party, I guess?

EKA IMA: Oh, Customer! How do you do?

Customer: How do you do? I have come to collect my cake. Hope it’s ready?

Before now Maid is left for the kitchen and suddenly returns with the same cake he brought out earlier.

EKA IMA: (as maid hands Customer the cake -) There you’re my dear. Hope you like it? (exit maid)

CUSTOMER: (giving Eka Ima money) Sure. It’s beautiful. Thank you, madam. I’ll book for another one for a friend, next week.

EKA IMA: Anytime, my dear. Thank you.  (Customer exits)

Also before now, Essien is left for the inner room. He returns with a horse whip hidden behind his back as he speaks.

ESSIEN: (solemnly) Ima, since when did you start visiting the night clubs?

While he threatens to flog her she runs behind her mother and continues to run around the room until FADE OUT.

THE STORY AND ITS CHARACTERS INCLUDING THE SETTING HAVE NO TRUE EXISTENCE OUTSIDE THE IMAGINATION OF THE WRITER.

THIS DRAMATIC PIECE WAS CONCEIVED AND WRITTEN FOR WARD9ice BY SOLOMON ETUK

THE CONTENT ON THIS PAGE  MAY NOT BE REPRODUCED IN WHOLE OR PART WITHOUT THE PERMISSION OF THE PUBLISHER.